Celebrity bytes on terror 

Be there a crisis or celebration, the most wanted by the media for their views on the happenings are the page three celebrities. They were all over the TV channels throwing their ‘wise’ comments about the recent terrorist attack. V Gangadhar marvels at the turn of things.

Everyone in the US agreed that life had never been the same since the infamous attack on the New York World Trade Center. We are now one up on the mighty US because we can also say that our lives are not the same since the terrorist attacks in South Mumbai on November 26, 2008.
Even those who were nowhere near the places where terrorists attacked, now have something to tell their grandchildren. This long distance association with terrorism affects everyone including VVIPs. For instance, former England cricket captain Michael Vaughan who was in Mumbai during the attack told hundreds of journalists in dozens of publications how lucky he was because though he had booked a room at the Taj Hotel, he cancelled it for some reason or the other and thus escaped the worst of fate. This always happens during great tragedies. While hundreds of people might have been directly affected, thousands would be out explaining how they were nearly affected by the tragedy. This is one of the inevitable experiences of life in the age of terrorism. Someone who never travelled by the suburban trains will tell his folks who will listen with bated breath, “Oh, I was so lucky on that day, I was to take the 10 pm Ambernath local from CST but because of my luck I finished my work early and took the 9 pm train, that was 30 minutes before shooting started.” He was sure to be greeted with gasps of relief.
Another aspect of life in the age of terrorism was that the people of Mumbai learnt how knowledgeable and caring were the city’s page three celebrities. They were constantly on TV and the dailies, this time though, not holding their champagne glasses. Far far away from the bombing sites, men and women of this celebrity group urgently ordered emergency outfits from their favourite boutiques so that they would look their best on TV. They dazzled the city with their intimate knowledge of foreign affairs, party politics, political party squabbles, defence strategy, location of terrorist camps inside Pakistan, various aspects of the intelligence networks and so on. We admired their speed in travelling from one TV channel to another. I also felt that had our nation been ruled by Shobhaa De, Anil Dharker, Alyque Padamsee or Simi Garewal, we would have got rid of the terrorist menace long back. If battalions and brigades led by De, Padamsee, Dharker or Simi had been ordered into Pakistan, the ISI, the Lashkar, the Taliban and even the elusive Osama Bin Laden would have been routed.
We also witnessed and marvelled at the stamina and lung power of our incomparable channel anchors. They worked round the clock, talking or screaming and showering the most ‘intelligent’ questions at our celebrities. They marvelled at each other’s level of intelligence, like the time when Barkha Dutt raised her eyebrows in admiration when Simi Garewal mistakenly identified Islam flags with the flags of Pakistan. So, what? This was a new interpretation of human intelligence and enlightenment.
The Mumbai media had its share to play an outstanding role. What a dramatic change in the news concept of Bombay Times! The incomparable daily which had distinguished itself by its obsession with the ‘butt’ of John Abraham, publishing pictures of the famous ‘butt’ daily, suddenly started to ask questions. No, not about the Abraham Butt but about the terrorist outrage. Why bother if the questions made no sense whatsoever. Indian journalism touched its peak with Bombay Times raising questions like differences between AK 47 and 56, why was Narayan Rane not made the state CM or differences between the Pakistan ISI and the Indian Standards Institution. The questions continued to enlighten the people of Mumbai for a long time and normalcy was signaled only when the Abraham Butt reappeared on the paper’s front page. It expressed the hope that while Parvati Omanakuttan had to be content with the First Runner up Prize at the Miss World contest, John’s Butt would win the Best Butt contest to be hosted by the paper once the terrorist hullabaloo was over.

The writer is a well-known satirist.

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