Satire
The New Medical and Health Dictionary
V Gangadhar compiles an exclusive medical dictionary of various medical terms and their new definitions. |
AIDS: The greatest scourge on mankind during the 20th century. But where was the damn thing during the 1960’s sexual revolution when hippies went around shouting Make Love, not war!
Biological Research: Very useful to help mankind to reduce the population explosion. The major force is the US which has an array of biological weapons (end result of biological research) in its arsenals. The US under George Bush sharply reduced the population of Iraq by accusing former President Saddam Hussein of possessing weapons of mass destruction including biological weapons. Moral of the Story: Only Americans and Israelis have the right to destroy their enemies with biological weapons.
Cloning: A wonderful medical research operation where duplicates are created from the original. For instance, from one diabetes we can clone other varieties and so on.
Doctor: A fast extinct species, being replaced by a plethora of specialists. For instance, specialists for right toe nail, specialists for left index finger, right nostril and so on. Did someone say family doctor? Look out for him in museums.
Epilepsy: Formerly a disease reserved for royalty and high society. Julius Caesar suffered from it, but now has descended to the level of ordinary people. One kind of treatment in India is to beat the patient with shoes and take smelly shoes near the nostrils. Both not recommended.
Filaria: Caused by bite of a particular mosquito species resulting in huge swelling on both legs. Found mostly in Kerala. Research has not solved the problem why one Marxist state is afflicted with this disease, but not the other (West Bengal). It could be the presence of the formidable Mamata Banerjee.
Goitre: A disfiguring disease caused by lack of iodine in our diet. Not very common in India because the aam aadmi’s normal diet lacks so many other ingredients besides iodine. Doctors advise us to consume iodized salt but patriotic Indians refuse to do this because Gandhiji’s famous Dandi March was not for iodized salt.
Health care: Often mentioned by Union and State Health Ministers. Plans, programmes and policies were mentioned, even the Constitution had something on it. But has remained more elusive than a permanent cure for diabetes.
Insurance (Medical): Very much in the news these days. Doctors overcharge, hospitals overcharge, and insurance companies refuse to pay the claims. The cashless insurance claims are the most troublesome and by the time a solution is reached, the insured person will die. Now we need insurance for medical insurance claims.
Jaundice: Attacks even the bravest and makes them appear yellow. Caused mainly by the water kindly provided by the Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation (BMC). It is the corporation’s gift to the people of Mumbai.
Kidney: A body part of great importance and when it starts giving trouble, well, you are in for it. Indian public hospitals cannot be trusted with kidney transplants because in most cases they transplant some other organ.
Lumbago: I have heard of it but I don’t know what it is, mostly affects those in colder countries.
Masturbation: Going by the number of questions asked in the ‘Sex Expert Answers’ columns in the media, the most widely prevalent problem among Indian youth. Why not constitute a high level commission or a Joint Parliamentary Board to study the issue?
Nutrition: I don’t know, must be the opposite of malnutrition which everyone knows.
Osteoarthritis: You are getting on in years, old boy, go easy on your walks, climbs and so on.
Piles: Can be explained best, standing up, not sitting down.
Quinine: Once a cure for malaria, but today’s mosquitoes have it for breakfast, lunch and dinner, along with human blood.
Ringworm: Don’t scratch
Syphilis: No one mentions this, gone out of fashion since the advent of the four letter word, AIDS.
Tonsilitis: Something to do with one’s throat. Surgery is needed to get rid of this, but one good factor is that after surgery you can eat only ice cream for some days. What if you are a diabetic? I don’t know.
Umbilical cord: Stands for important ties, but removed at birth.
Viagra: Medicine’s greatest gift to mankind.
Workaholic: Similar to alcoholic, but there is no Workaholics Anonymous. One could end up like a INFOSYS chief, Narayan Murthy.
X Ray: Helps to see what lies underneath the skin, now used to detect the presence of bombs. Indian leaders and film stars do not like to be X rayed at American airports, they make a big issue of it.
Yippie: Exultant shout of a diabetic when his blood test report shows normal sugar levels.
Zest, Zing: What the aphrodisiacs advertise but seldom realised!
The writer is a well-known satirist.